Tosco Dress Code Suggestions

Firstly, let’s deal with that unbelievable notice. What it said was, "to avoid causing offence or embarrassment to others we ask that our customers are appropriately dressed when visiting our store (footwear must be worn at all times and no nightwear is permitted)."

Customers

Tosco is aspiring to becoming a bit more upmarket, like Marks & Spencer but with a bigger empire and possibly less support for the Israeli government. Inevitable next steps for a customer dress code would include the banning of hoodies, baseball caps, jogging bottoms, clothes purchased at Primark or Matalan, visible underwear and, most definitely, anything in burberry.

If it wanted to outdo M&S completely and take it to the next level, it could insist on a minimum of smart casual with no jeans and, for men, a shirt with a collar. For stores in really posh areas, standards would be increased to insist on formal wear, suits for gentlemen and dresses for the ladies. A special rule could apply for David Cameron’s local store, ensuring that all customers are suitably attired for surprise visits from the man who would be Prime Minister. Ball gowns for the ladies and, for the gentlemen, a frock coat, a top hat and a monocle (optional). 

All this would, of course, lead to some interesting dialogue between customers and staff. Younger customers wanting to purchase alcohol would need to look over 21, have proof of identity and provide a receipt as evidence that their jeans hadn’t come from Primark. For all purchases over £100, there would be a brief written test covering English, maths and the history of ancient civilisations.

Imagine the scene. You can’t find the mayonnaise, so you ask an assistant for help (because, as we know, every little helps). Previously you would have got a grunt, something mumbled about aisle 529 or, on a really good day, been shown to the right place via bio washing powders, value baked beans and hair accessories. In future, the assistant will look you up and down before whispering theatrically into a concealed microphone, “customer check in aisle 473 – dirty jeans and slightly unshaven, possibly working class”. After a few minutes delay, you will be informed that you can only buy salad cream or ketchup – as befits your station in life – but that mayonnaise may be available on future visits to the store if you are better dressed.

Staff

If Tosco insists on redefining its customer base, it’s only fair that it becomes more honest about its employment policies. Employees should be made to wear orange Guantanamo-style overalls emblazoned with the words ‘Tosco Wage Slave’. Those who have dared to have more than one toilet break a day would have a ball and chain fitted round their ankles. Troublesome groups of employees would have to be shackled together like an old-fashioned chain gang. Notices must be displayed all around the store asking people not to invite employees to join a trade union as this would result in disciplinary measures against the employee.

Chief Executive

Tosco’s Chief Executive is Sir Terry Leahy, presumably knighted for services to the exploitation of producers, the promotion of unfair trade, the reduction of employment to low paid mind-numbing tedium and for voracious degradation of the environment. The full list of honours was curtailed as the Queen couldn’t bring herself to swear by saying ‘and for being a complete bastard’. On store visits, Leahy should be made to wear a suit with arrows on it, an eye mask, handcuffs and a swag bag. At store openings, he should be made to wear a full body fat cat outfit (Bagpuss without the charm) and be kitted out with a top hat and a monocle. A truth serum should also be administered so that instead of saying ‘every little helps’, he would say, ‘get out of my way, gullible working class scum, take your crap food, leave all your cash and bugger off’.

Shareholders

We’re just checking with UK fancy dress stores to see if they have any leech or parasite outfits for shareholders. Alternatively, they could be made to go to a store at least once a week and walk around butt naked with two figures written on their bellies in permanent marker pen. One showing how much they make from each pound spent and another showing how much producers make.

Rules and Exceptions

We feel it would be unfair to impose rules on those who can’t obey them. As a result, the children of hard up suppliers who’ve been screwed by Tosco will be allowed to walk around any store without the shoes which they can’t afford. Primary school kids will be allowed to walk around stores in pyjamas to represent children in developing countries who get too little sleep because they work in sweatshops for Tosco suppliers.

Alternative Posters!

In the event that Tosco doesn’t agree to our proposals, we have one more idea. What if people designed alternative posters and stuck them on the front door of their local store while accidentally wearing a balaclava. We’ve come up with a few ideas for such posters:

“Please be encouraged to get your kit off when entering this store as we could all do with a laugh and every little helps”

“Please note that this Saturday is fancy dress shopping day and our theme this week is working class”

“Great News! This weekend it’s the mask and thong event in aisle 5 – don’t worry, even our CCTV won’t know it’s you (apart from that really fat bloke with Chelsea tattooed on his butt)”

“Poor? Badly-dressed? Then piss off to Asda!”

“CHARITY APPEAL: your money is helping to keep more than one roof over Sir Terry Leahy’s head so please give generously.”

We would love to hear your suggestions or, even better, receive photos of posters in situ. Every little helps………

LINKS

Tesco Ban on Shoppers in Pyjamas (BBC online news article, 28 January 2010)

LINKED ARTICLES ON TAKE THE RED PILL

Crisp Profit After Tax Evasion

Easter Eggs, Religion and Slavery

Every Little Helps Feed the Monster

Just Good Beers

Label wars – Corporates Take On Government

Where’s Your Money Going?

Where’s Your Money Going Part 2