Abused by an Arcist?

I tried to concentrate on reading my book and drinking my beer but the staring was so intense that I got flustered, read my beer and took a small sip from my book. Then the guy started muttering to his wife who was sitting with her back to me. She did one of those special moves people do when someone’s told them not to look but told them what they’re not to look at. Her eyes ranged across the restaurant and finally spotting me – the object of her husband’s fascination – she sneered and threatened the ceiling with her eyebrows. Great – now two people had taken a real dislike to me and I still didn’t know why.

I noticed a bloke staring at me as if I’d just taken a pee in his chicken chow mein 

Finally the bloke opened his mouth and everything became clear. Delightfully spraying his wife with black bean sauce, he shouted across the restaurant, “Oi, you ought to be ashamed of yourself wearing that fucking t-shirt. How can you like that bloke? He’s a complete wanker. You should vote for Nick Griffin.” Now I understood the problem but you, dear bemused reader, weren’t there so let me explain....

I was wearing one of my favourite t-shirts. Dark blue. New Labour red rose. The word Bliar emblazoned across the front in big red letters. My new acquaintance, having misread the only word on my t-shirt, had assumed that I was a big fan of Tony Blair. Blair=Labour. Labour=left wing (yeah right!). I ought to vote for Nick Griffin, leader of the far right British National Party. So I had become possibly the first victim of abuse by a dyslexic racist*. The fact that we were in a Chinese restaurant added to the black humour. I imagined him thanking the manager for his meal and then telling him that there was a boat waiting for him in Dover as we don’t want your type over here mixing the purity of our English blood. But would you mind leaving the recipe for that delicious sweet and sour pork on your way out?

I was left with a stark choice – laugh or cry? In the end, I decided to educate my new chum. No, I didn’t intend to treat him to the delights of eighteenth century French literature but I did decide a small spelling lesson was in order. As he was passing my table on the way to the toilets, I grabbed his arm and slowly pointed at each letter on my t-shirt. I stopped short of announcing each one phonetically, sensing that time was short with my close-cropped fellow diner. Very slowly, really slowly, a big grin spread across his face. He understood at last. Then things got worse.

Foo Yung with a Fascist? Noodles with a Nazi? Ribs with a racist? I think not – now unhand me you xenophobic cad! 

Suddenly I was his best friend. He wanted me to join him at his table. He wanted to buy me a beer. He put his arm round me in that way blokes do when they’ve had ten pints of lager. Me and my clever ideas! I excused myself from his kind offer with the weak excuse of waiting for a friend. Later, in bed, I dreamt of other far better rebuttals. Things like, “I wouldn’t eat with you if I was starving to death, you Fascist scum, and come the day of the revolution, you will be the first one up against the wall”, “Foo Yung with a Fascist? Noodles with a Nazi? Ribs with a racist? I think not – now unhand me you xenophobic cad!” or simply, “na na na na na, you’re a smelly fascist!”

I still wear my Bliar t-shirt but I'm always expecting abuse from someone who starts reading the word one letter at a time with their tongue lolling out of the side of their mouth. I hear that the biggest supporter of the illegal war in Iraq has set up a foundation to unite all religions and foster world peace. God give me strength, it’s like a Monty Python sketch gone horribly, horribly wrong.

This story was written to the sound of The Day the Nazi Died and Enough is Enough by Chumbawamba.

*Dyslexia is a learning difficulty that can blight the lives of people, especially young people in formal education. Racism is a disease that blights the lives of people in every nation in the world but it can be cured by education. For more details, see the links below.

LINKS

Love Music Hate Racism

Unite Against Fascism

British Dyslexia Association

LINKED ARTICLES

Black and White Flight