Stuff Valentine’s Day

OBLIGATION OR PASSION?

The fact is that we both agreed, quite a few years ago, that being romantic or simply nice to each other just once a year is a bit of a crap idea.  Especially if it’s a specific day – dictated by a bunch of businesses looking for a good reason to overcharge for a bit of old tat – when everyone else is doing exactly the same thing.  Whatever happened to spontaneity, creativity and sensibly-priced roses?

In a couple of weeks, husbands and boyfriends will try to book up a restaurant table for two for the first time since last February.  No doubt some will do it because they have an irresistible romantic streak.  Unfortunately most may well do it out of a sense of duty or a fear of reprisals if they don’t.  Last Valentine’s Day, I saw a man rush into Marks & Spencer in Camden, just before closing time, and grab a card, a bunch of flowers and a heart-shaped chocolate.  It made me wonder what message these gifts sent to his partner.  Was it an action inspired by lurve or just a desire not to feel guilty or to avoid the long, slow torture of the silent treatment?  Did the recipient feel deeply loved - or just not forgotten because of the Great British greeting cards calendar?

being romantic or simply nice to each other just once a year is a bit of a crap idea

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES….

Walking through Northampton yesterday, I wasn’t surprised to see that the card shops, florists and jewellers were on the case already, but I was disappointed to see that some other businesses were failing to spot a gap in the market.  Here are a few of TTRP’s ideas to help boost business around Valentine’s Day.

BUTCHERS – encourage your customers to “say it with offal”.  That’s right, how about replacing the predictable choccies with some fresh animal heart?  There could be endless variations.  It could be cut in half to depict a broken heart or adorned with a rosette to let someone know they’ve won your heart.  If your partner is into love bites, it could be impaled with a stake bearing the message “my little vampire”.

SPORTS SHOPS – how about stocking some novelty cupid archery sets to give smitten suitors the chance to send passionate messages through their loved one’s window?  You could also offer a range of climbing gear for those with lovers living in tower blocks.

Butchers – encourage your customers to “say it with offal”

PET SHOPS – forget those lifeless supposedly cute teddy bears clutching satin pillows with the words “I love you”.  This year, get in some real bears, dress them in red velvet outfits and let the blokes really surprise their ladies……

POUNDLAND – start a range of £1 jewellery or after shave - emblazoned with your logo - to let people know just how much thought has gone into this year’s present.

PLUMBERS – market a range of heart-shaped red toilets and offer a personalised engraving service so that the loved one’s name can appear prominently.  To top it off, you could offer a selection of cards with amusing messages like “I can’t get you out of my cistern” or “I’ll never dump you”

CHEMISTS – sell red satin dental floss and encourage your male customers to buy it and make novelty underwear for their wives and girlfriends.

GOOD ROMANCE- THOUGHTFUL, CREATIVE & SPONTANEOUS

Ok, enough of this silliness.  On with the deep, thoughtful stuff.  We’re not suggesting that you ignore Valentine’s Day because we dislike romance or expressions of love (let’s face it, the last thing the English need is to be discouraged from expressing true passion!)  What we want to do is encourage everyone to put some thought, some creativity and some spontaneity into their approach to romance.  Here are just a few ideas….

• make a list of all the things you like and/or appreciate about your partner, then present it in a creative way on any day except Valentine’s Day (if you’re being really creative, probably best to avoid Christmas or other days when Grandma might be around)
• decide to take your partner out for a meal – or to cook them a special meal – on the fourteenth day of every month except February
• buy your partner some flowers (preferably from a florist, not a supermarket or a garage forecourt) or something they’d really like – on any day apart from Valentine’s Day - as an expression of love, not as a grovelling apology for something you did wrong the day before

No, I’m not planning to write a book, posing as an expert on love and romance, but I do think I can spot fake romance faster than a florist can double its prices.  We all need to be loved and appreciated - and occasionally pampered - but surely not just when Clinton Cards tells us to.  So, with the deepest of respect, o vendors of plastic amour, could I suggest that, this Valentine’s Day, you stick your overpriced cards, flowers, chocolates, tacky lingerie and candlelit meals where the weak and watery February sun never shines………..

This article was prepared to the sound of The Greatest Love Songs and Smoochy Ballads in the World Ever Ever Honestly Volume 7.  Or not.  It was, in fact, the deeply romantic sound of “Hats Off to the Buskers” by Dundee’s rising stars The View.